Cub Carson's Sports Rants

Is it just me or what is the brand new coach of the Edmonton Oilers doing hocking carpet on TV? What he loves to munch the carpet? He needs the money? I think it might be affecting his coaching. "The hell with the game plan fellas. Let me just measure your stall cause I think I can set you up with a great deal on burbur! We'll put a seven pound underlay in there and I'm telling ya it will be so comfortable you won't want to put your skates on. In fact, I'll do the inside of your skates as well. We'll throw an acrylic in there. It will be two to six weeks for delivery and it will feel so good I could even make Charlie Huddy fast!" And how bad can these commercials be? Could they be any worse? Has Lowe never been in front of a camera before? He's not giving 110%. He's gotta take one for the team. He's gotta give it one commercial at a time. It's brutal! But at least if the Oil don't win a game all year we can still brag that we have the best carpeted bench in the league. Then again maybe it's just me!

Is it just me or we kind cheesing the Gretzky tribute? Cheesier than an old porn star. They're expecting five thousand people down to city hall. What are they thinking? Oh well hell Gretzky's been out of the game for five months, nobody even remembers who he is! C'mon! ESPN's showing up. There will be a worldwide audience. I get the feeling more than five thousand carcasses will show. It's October 1st. Chances of snow better then Robert Downy Jr. falling off the wagon at cocaine days. There's a fountain down there blocking everything. Where am I standing the middle of the road? Gotta park on 109th and take a cab to the event. More construction going on then Liz Taylor walking into her plastic surgeon saying fix it all. We may have under estimated the great one's power. Walter Gretzky fills city hall. Wayne, Commonwealth at least. Even if all the hockey fans at the game show up we're talking sixteen thousand. In two words, and I think the Great One may have said it best, Mickey Mouse. Then again maybe it's just me!

Is it just me or should teams say To Hell with Prevent defense? All it does is prevent you from winning. Back your linebackers so far down the field they can order loud mouth soups from the concession stand. Sure nobody beats you deep but they throw screens all day long and eventual score on you fifteen yards at a time. Prevent defense! It's like leaving your house open all your valuables neatly packed in the front lawn in an attempt to prevent burglary. It's like preventing acne by whipping your face in lard, dunking you head in a vat of oil while you eat marshmallows melted along with sugarsmacks. Prevent defense! It's actually the perfect name for it. We're going to prevent defense from having any chance of stopping the other team. Brutal! Then again maybe it's just me

Is it just me or or do the Stamps suck like "Oh my God I'm in reverse Mr. Methane"? And here's the cheers we need to here from our pom pom supporters tonight. The Stampeders...they're cow paddie eaters. Cowtown...they're going down. The Stamps...their wives are a bunch of 'nice gals'. Stampeders...when we're done with them they'll all be bleeders. Cowtown...they can kiss my eye that's brown. Calgary...the beating coming their way is scary. The Stamps...kick them in the groin give them cramps. Calgary...on the human body of life they're pubic hairy. The Stamps...they ain't going to be champs. And of course, Calgary...they blow! Then again maybe it's just me

Is it just me or do you hope Sammy Sosa breaks Mark McGwire's homerun record? It would be perfect. More perfect than a "Throw darts at the Calgary fans" halftime show. McGwire on the Andro. Sammy cleaner than a friendly dog's butt. McGwire whiter than Howdy Dowdy. Sammy blacker than the inside of a cow. It would be great to see Sammy break the big redhead's record. And break it in the Deep South. At the David Duke Memorial Stadium. On the day they assassinated Martin Luther King Jr. There would be more tension than Weibo Ludwig day in Grande Prairie. How would the majors handle it? How would the press in Alabama handle it? It could end up being very interesting. Then again maybe it's just me!

Is it just me or do they have to get better replays in the CFL? What mother corp can't afford rewind buttons on the VCRs? One second left. Labour Day Classic. Stamps receiver makes a catch on the goal line. Looked outta bounds to me. More outta bounds than David Duke guest speaking at a "Blacks of America" fundraiser. And the CBC has no replay. Nothing. Not three angles. Two angles. They have no angles. Two timeouts pass. They still have no replay happening. What are the guys in the booth doing? Making a taped of Walt Witman's greatest moments? In the NFL, not only do you get more angles than a Don King sells pitch. Even fans are replaying it on camcorders. More replays than Tommy on PinBot. CBC! We need more replays. Or isn't it in your supplied by the taxpayers budget? Then again maybe it's just me!

Is it just me or don't these players get this whole contract thing? You put your name on it. You honor it. Alexie Yashin wants a new contract. His old one hasn't expired yet. But since he was sixth in league scoring last year he feels 3.6 mill isn't enough. He's too talented. Needs more. Well with all the donations he flubbed last year he needs some more money. How's the Ottawa Avon Gard Arts Society surviving without Yashin giving them a couple hundred thousand then taking it back? How are the Sens going to qualify for a first round playoff fiasco without Yashin? I've got an idea. Give Yashin a raise paramount to the exact number of points he tallied in the last year's playoffs. Nothing! None! The Goose! Nada! Donut! Yashin gets diddly. That's what his playoff performance was worth, diddly! Then again maybe it's just me!

Is it just me or is sitting out starting to upset you more than the double bean guacamole cayenne pepper burrito? Sitting out? Billy Guerin thinking about sitting out. Alexie Yashin going to sit out if they don't give him a pay raise above and beyond the three and a half mill he made to dog it in the playoffs last year. Sitting out? More sitting out than old men at nude beaches. Oh I'm just letting them sit out! And what is with sitting out? Isn't that what the boys do all summer? Just sitting out! Hanging around! Or are they standing in all summer long? Therefore, when the season starts they are to tired from standing in and have to sit out for awhile. Hey, you signed a contract. It is your name at the bottom of it. Honor the damn thing. Play 'til it's done then sit out. I figure if a play sits out on an existing contract they should immediately be sat out for the rest of their life. Then they can get real jobs where sitting out means YOUR FIRED! Then again maybe it's just me!

Is it just me or are we going to kick Spain's ass when it comes to hosting the 2001 games? Hey, they didn't even have The Guess Who at their half time show. But they did have the athletes all come out at once. All confused. All deer in the headlights. They made the opening ceremonies last over two hours. It was longer and more excruciating then crawling through a cathouse. Where were all the fans? Did the siestas run into OT? People couldn't find their way to the stadium? Why is it so empty? Was the whole country half in the bag? I've seen better turnouts at all Rita week at The Crazy Horse. Spain? They went to all the trouble to get the games. Didn't get a new scoreboard. Didn't get a great turnout. Didn't generate any excitement. I love it. Makes it that much easier on us to do it right. Then again maybe it's just me!

Is it just me or why not let Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame? So he gambled a little bit. At least he only gambled with money. Lawrence Taylor gambled with his life. His reputation. Man, at one point the guy would have sold his only child for a rock of crock. All Rose did put a little money down on a sports team. And try not to pay the IRS as much as they wanted. Hey, who hasn't done that? Screw the government before they screw you might as well be a national anthem. If it weren't for loopholes we really would think the government were a-holes. And when Rose supposively bet on his own team did he bet them to lose or win? Hell, if he bet them to win that's not gambling that's confidence. What a pre-game speech? Boys, I'm so sure you'll win I bet everything I own on it. Now get out there and deliver or I'll be moving into your house. Pete Rose let him into the Hall. I'll bet there's guys in there who've done worse. Then again maybe it's just me!

Is it just me or do you have to love the half-naked Venezuelan volleyballers? They can volley my ball any time. Hey, you're trying to ladies sports to the fellas. More nudity will do it, guaranteed. You don't see empty strip bars do ya? Now sure it's a little sexist but hey sex doesn't sell does it? They only use sex to sell everything for eyeglasses to baby food. Why not sports? Put the girls in the shortest shorts. So they're uncomfortable. Can't jump without causing irreversible internal damage. But hey it sells now we'll worry about the damage later. Put some tassels on those uniforms. Cut that bosom line a little lower. Show me some thigh. Get that butt wigglin'. This isn't sports it's sex. And if the ladies complain we'll do the same thing with the fellas. Get them all out there in their size one Speedos. I just fell sorry for the hockey players. How tough are you Dougie Weight? Try blocking a slap shot naked! Hell, we're killing the players but female attendance is up five thousand percent. Then again maybe it's just me!

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